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mspeacockman
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UPA MEMBER


Joined: 31 Jan 2008
Posts: 24
Location: Northeast Mississippi
PostPosted: Sun Mar 02, 2008 9:32 am Reply with quote

The Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase...in no time."
"Thank you Father ," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot, and exclaimed, "Put the beads away Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

~~~~~

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one.
"Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one.
"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second.
"O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."


~~~~~

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

~~~~~

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"


~~~~~

Definition:
Polynesia -- Memory loss in parrots.

~~~~~


~~~~~

Rotisserie: a Ferris wheel for chickens.

~~~~~

Birds are grouchy in the morning because their bills are over dew.

~~~~~

Q: Why is the figure 9 like a peacock?
A: Because without it's tail, it's nothing.

~~~~~

Did You Know?

Flamingos live to be in their 30's.




~~~~~

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at the toilet?


~~~~~

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she sees the same parrot and it says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She is incredibly ticked off now.
The next day the same parrot again says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady is so ticked off that she goes into the store and says that she will sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologizes profusely and promises that he will make sure the parrot doesn't say it again.
When the lady walks past the store the next day, after work, the parrot calls to her and says, "Hey lady."
She pause and says, "Yes?"
The bird says, "You know."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds.
One November evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found in the snow.
The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was towering down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these darn..."
The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse. "Please Dear," she said, "Not in front of the chilled wren."


~~~~~

Do one-legged ducks swim in circles?

~~~~~

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black make up around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.
With an attitude, the boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.


~~~~~

This housewife got tired of being alone every day since her husband was at work and her three daughters were in school, so she decided to get a pet to keep her company. She walks into the local pet store and explains her situation to the clerk and tells him that she wants a talking parrot.
The clerk thinks for a minute and then tells her that they do have one talking parrot, but that she wouldn't like him.
"Why not?" she asks.
"Well, he has been around a bit and has picked up some colorful language, and you did say that you have a family," he replied.
"Well, my girls are 16, 17, and 18. They have heard it all. Just let me see him."
The clerk finally agrees to show the lady the parrot and she instantly falls in love with the bird and insists on purchasing it right away. When she got home she covered the cage with a towel and went to get dinner ready for the family.
The next day she came down and uncovered the cage.
"Brawkk!" said the parrot, looking around. "New place. New Madam. Morning Madam."
"Uh, Morning parrot," she said and then went to make breakfast. A few minutes later her daughters came downstairs, dressed and ready for school.
"Brawkk! New place. New Madam. New Girls. Morning Girls."
"Morning Parrot," they replied and went to help their mother get breakfast ready. Soon the man of the house came down unshaven and in his bathrobe.
"Brawkk! New place. New Madam. New Girls. Same old customers. Morning Phil!"

Submitted by Richard

~~~~~

First Farmer: I crossed my hens with parrots to save time.
Second Farmer: Why did you do that?
First Farmer: I used to waste a lot of time hunting for eggs. Now the hen comes up to me and says, "I just laid an egg -- go get it."

~~~~~

The Best Son

There was this little old lady who was nearly blind and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So Son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking her would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot that had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask of him any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be.
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she confronted her second son with "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son I just want to thank you for that most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."

Submitted by Cicec

~~~~~

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but Polly has passed away".
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room only to return a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet, shook his head and barked. The vet petted the dog, took it out and returned in a few moments with a cat, which jumped up and also sniffed the bird on the table. The cat sat back, shook its head and meowed. It then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, produced a bill and handed it to the woman.
Still puzzled, the parrot's owner took the bill and looked at it. "$150!" she cried. "Just to tell me my bird is dead?! That's ridiculous!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but... what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."

Submitted by Lee

_________________
"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards." -- Unknown

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